Rain Dreams

no but seriously when will it rain

Ah, friends, I’m finding it hard to believe there will ever be an autumn.

I can’t picture it at all. This is significantly stupid as we need to have a radiator put back into my workroom/kitchen, and I can’t bring myself to authorise the purchase because I can’t imagine ever, ever wanting a radiator again. Surely not? Surely not? I can’t believe there will ever be an autumn, and I don’t believe it will ever rain.

I keep dreaming it’s raining and then I wake up and it’s still dry. I keep fantasizing about thunderstorms and rivers and circles on cool water.

I keep thinking about the fires and sorting my recycling and trying to cook. Five-minute egg on kimchi toast. Hummus. So many noodle salads, only some of which are good. Marmite toast. Googling “when rain near me” and “how soon rain England” and “will it rain Brighton” and “rain South East London when”. Looking at the odds of rain: 20%, 10%, 5%. If I knew there was a 5% chance that my coffee had been poisoned, I wouldn’t drink the coffee; if I knew there was a 20% chance, I would certainly not drink the coffee; therefore treat rain like death, and anticipate that it will happen, the way one does with something you hope will never come to pass. It must rain, surely. Everywhere I turn something else precious and irreplaceable is burning up.

I genuinely don’t believe it is ever going to rain again. How could it?