Happy Saturday! Wanna buy some stuff?
Or, more accurately, wanna lie in bed and read about loads of stuff?
Welcome to a special Christmas Bumper Edition of Things I Loved Lately, and I am dividing it into two because Substack has refused to post it as one: it’s just too long! There’s too much nice stuff! This is Part I, and Part II will follow very shortly: one on Saturday, one on Sunday, both at 9.15am.
It is by FAR the longest post I have ever written for this newsletter and my God is it worth it. It took me an entire working day, advice from many people— not least my dad, who happened to be visiting— and I am so happy. I hope you absolutely love it. I hope you buy loads of stuff from it, or rather, I hope it makes you think of loads of other stuff you want to buy people you love for Christmas. None of these are affiliate links or anything: I just love stuff and it made me happy to think about all the kinds of people you might be buying for!
N.b. in this gift guide, you will note that I have used many stereotypes and suggestions in order to bring some order to proceedings. Please take anything you want and buy it for anybody. Perhaps your boyfriend-who-wants-to-get-into-cooking is a girl. Perhaps your sister-with-cold-feet is in fact a boy. Perhaps your brother-who-gets-locked-out-a-lot is your dad, your auntie, your non-binary anarchist colleague at the library who needs to get into secret tunnels under London1. (They exist!) It is simply funnier to make big sweeping statements than it is to get real, and I urge you to do whatever you want with yourselves and your money at any given time.
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Obviously, the first rule of buying presents is that whenever anyone says they like something or need something, you should immediately write it down on the Notes app on your phone. They will forget they ever said it and then when you give them the thing they like or want or need, they will think you are magic and psychic and be so happy and pleased. Also, they will say “I can’t believe you remembered” and you will feel like the most loving and good person in the universe.
I was taking an art class this week and the tutor said “the one thing that everything in the world wants is to be listened to”, which was both beautiful and true, and also probably– at this point in the year– completely useless to you, because you have either listened or you haven’t, and if you are coming to a gift guide for actual guidance, you probably…haven’t.
Most people, I suspect, are here just to scroll through loads of nice things, and I salute you too. For now, though, I will address myself to the people who really need to find some presents.
The key thing with good presents is effort. Even if it isn’t actually any effort, it needs to look like effort: it needs to look like you put time into buying it, or making it, or at least thinking about what they want. The point is: presents should represent thought, which mostly in this life equates to time and energy.
Having listened for the whole year to your loved ones and made careful note is, obviously, a slamdunk.
Failing that, though: presents with co-ordinated components from more than two shops, for example, is a knockout. You had to wait in for three parcels! You had to venture out! You looked for the right thing, not the easy thing!
Another timeless classic: something home-made that clearly took more than a couple of hours. If you had to wait for it to dry, or pickle, or preserve; if you had to frame it separately; if you had to sew it or paint it or whatever… you’re golden.
I do actually think there is a caveat with home-made presents, which is: if you’re making a huge batch and giving it to everyone, don’t give it to the people you love most. Or, if you do, find a way to tie it into their personality and life and needs and wants. Give your homemade parsnip wine with, like, a couple of nice wine glasses to people who just moved house and smashed all theirs in the van, you know?
Actually, hold on, let’s kick this off:
For Your Beautiful Friends Who Just Moved House And Smashed Their Wine Glasses In The Van:
Truthfully, nice wine glasses are a perfect present for almost everyone. They get broken and need replacing far too often. Our friend Geoff gave us some gorgeous John Lewis ones and we use them all the time and think of him when we do. Anyway, we are not in the market for new wine glasses, per se, but my God, how I love these beautiful pink-tinted wine glasses! I have just discovered The Vintage List, a glass shop, and now I want all this beautiful glass. What we do need is champagne glasses, and oh no, look: these have landed in my life and now I long for them. They are pink champagne saucers with little stars engraved on them! You could speak often of your rose-tinted glasses! You would never know a day’s unhappiness again if you owned such beautiful glasses.
For Your Elegant Millennial Friend:
If your elegant millennial friend already has champagne saucers with little stars on them, you will need to find something else to give them.
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